by Tanner Kinney

Oh boy oh boy, it’s time for another Star Wars movie release! It’s kind of shocking to actually say that. Even though now it looks like we’ll be getting Star Wars movies from now until the end of human existence, just not even five years ago it seemed the franchise had become dormant from a cinematic perspective. George Lucas managed to drive his beloved franchise so far into the ground that no one wanted to see any more new movies that might make things worse, if that was even possible.

Despite that, novels and games covering the amazing mess of the expanded universe tended to do pretty well. Disney’s Star Wars, unfortunately, seems to have abandoned all the cool planets, alien races, story concepts, and legitimately great world-building to stick with things that are well-known (aka more easily marketable), which is a shame. Star Wars from just the world created by the original trilogy is a little creatively bankrupt, especially if you have to keep forcing in Star Wars things because they are Star Wars in an effort to make people like your film (looking at you, Rogue One).

Not to worry though! I, being an expert in bad fanfiction, know exactly what Star Wars movies Disney can make that the people will definitely love and are not japes. And don’t worry Disney, you don’t need to pay me for these ideas. It’ll be our little secret that only we know about. We can do a little wink at each other when we pass in the supermarket, it’ll be great.

Wicket’s Bad Fur Day

‘Member Ewoks? Those fuzzy little bastards George Lucas shoved into Return of the Jedi because he wanted to make something marketable for the kids? Yeah, a lot of people don’t really like Ewoks that much from my understanding. They still got a TV show, which sure was weird, but there’s a lot of untapped potential in the Ewok market. So I’ve got a great idea: we make an Ewok movie. The marketing campaign can show this light-hearted adventure starring Ewoks doing wacky things on Endor. It’ll be great.

Here’s the twist: the movie has a sneaky R-rating attached to it. Huh? What? Why is that there? Well, this idea takes a little inspiration from the game Conker’s Bad Fur Day. Essentially, we take a script written like it’s from the writers of Deadpool and put Ewoks and other wacky alien creatures over it. It’ll have no real overarching story, and maybe they could style it after British comedy rather than American comedy, because the last time a movie tried the deceptive-kids-movie-thing we got Sausage Party. No one wants another Sausage Party. British comedy is also something you don’t see a lot of over here in the States, and it needs to be seen more. It’ll be bold, shocking, possibly funny, and won’t outlive its welcome as long as it’s paced properly.

Also, just steal Greg the Grim Reaper from Conker and put him in the movie. No one will notice, and everyone will love him. Greg is great.

The Fault in Our Star Destroyers

Who doesn’t love a good love story? Even in movies that don’t have a prominent love element, the internet fills in the blanks in ways no one ever wanted. There aren’t too many good love stories in the Star Wars universe though, at least in the movies. Sure, Leia and Han are great together, but that wasn’t the important part. I want my romance movie, dammit! So, I’ve got a great idea cooked up, piping hot out the brain oven.

A rebel pilot, possibly some kind of lieutenant, is shot down during a skirmish between the New Order and the Resistance. The pilot survives (don’t ask, just accept it), and is captured by the New Order. This may have happened to Poe in The Force Awakens, but don’t worry about that, if they were worried about rehashing ideas then none of The Force Awakens would exist. The thing here is that a higher-ranking Stormtrooper does the interrogation of the rebel pilot. They are initially cold to each other, but eventually they start connecting. The Stormtrooper eventually gets permission to take the rebel out of containment under watch. The pair goes out, travels to a couple of planets, and start to fall in love. I specifically see a bonding scene where they go to a bar and play darts (or darts equivalent). The rebel pilot can’t get a good hit on the board, and the Stormtrooper mocks them by saying, “Wow, you have the aim of a Stormtrooper.”

The movie doesn’t have a happy ending, unfortunately. The rebel starts making progress in getting the Stormtrooper to believe in the rebel cause, but an attack launched by the Resistance on the base they are stationed at gets the rebel killed. In a fury, the Stormtrooper charges in guns blazing, using new techniques they learned from the rebel. The Stormtrooper nearly single-handedly stops the rebel attack like Rambo, but is gravely wounded. In the final moments, the helmetless Stormtrooper crawls across the floor, and finally accepts death once the couple are united in embrace. It’ll be a tear-jerker, I’m crying just thinking about it.

But what kind of romance is it? I dunno, there’s not a lot of lesbian representation in movies, it’s usually gay guys. So make them both women. And maybe the rebel can be an alien race of some sort, like a Twi’lek. It’ll sell like hot cakes.

The Adventures of Jar Jarberry Finn

Here’s an idea I’ve been sitting on for a while. Alright, so, the movie centers around a worker on some trade-freight ship that is also run by a famous bounty hunter. The worker is there unwillingly and just kind of goes through life without much of a care. He was forced to be a worker at a young age, so he doesn’t know better. One day, however, he decides he wants to launch a daring escape. It’s either that or live the rest of his life in a boring job, so he takes the risk. His plan is discovered, however, by a stow-away on the ship. A homeless and terrified stow-away that jumps from ship to ship trying to make his way home without getting caught and sold back to the imperials he escaped from. The worker befriends the stow-away and they escape together, going on a series of wacky adventures that eventually leads to a confrontation between the worker, who is actually attuned to the Force, and the infamous bounty hunter that took him from his home.

The fun thing here is that the stow-away just so happens to be a Gungan, also known as the alien race Jar Jar Binks was a part of. So we have a dull, average worker who can use the Force traveling with a Jar Jar knock-off around the galaxy, getting in some serious hijinks. Essentially, it’s Huckleberry Finn but with Jar Jar Binks and less racism. They could still put some of those critical elements from Mark Twain’s novel and make it about modern race relation issues, if you want to get political. But I don’t want to get political, I want to watch some guy and a Gungan bumble around the galaxy. It’ll be fun! The kids will love it.


Finally, the idea that really takes the cake, a coming-of-age story about Chewbacca’s son Lumpy. Who’s Lumpy, you may ask? Well, Lumpy is the canon son of Chewbacca in the revered and well-loved Star Wars Christmas Special. But Lumpy was just a kid then, I want to see Lumpy continue to grow up in the shadow of his father and how that affects him. Lumpy can deal with all of the troubles a growing Wookie would have to deal with: learning to be independent, making friends, and having feelings for girl Wookies. They can even make it a documentary of sorts that takes twelve years to make. I can see this movie getting Oscar nominations, even if it is actually just really boring! It took twelve years to make, it has to be good! Think of the passion the director must’ve had! I’d watch it once for every year it takes to make.

For real though, all of these ideas are terrible, but once the new trilogy is done and they have already made movies about every main character from the original trilogy, they’ll have to start getting desperate for good ideas. Or bad ideas that will make bad movies that are marketable. Then Disney can be the ones to bury Star Wars, instead of George Lucas. Hooray!

Images by Daley Wilhelm


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