by Dalton Martin

@DaltynMartin

Those who were familiar with the Xbox Indie Games program before Microsoft pulled the plug on it may remember a wide array of classic selections to choose from such as one of the many Minecraft clones or the abundant supply of dating simulators that showcased scantily clad females on their digital covers. Interestingly enough, this is the very hive of scum and objectivity where Amazing Princess Sarah originated. As to why Microsoft allowed this truly horrible game to be remastered for the Xbox One is completely beyond me, as the game wasn’t worth the time or money the first time around.

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The Amazing Waste of Time

Amazing Princess Sarah starts off with a demon queen kidnapping and seducing a king, with the titular heroine then proceeding to go on a rescue mission to rescue her father. Along her journey she will fight the same five enemies ad nauseam, journey through uninspired castle with annoying platform sections and fight giant bosses that take about 3 minutes to defeat. With all the time the developers must have put in programming the ridiculous amounts of pixelated boob jiggling for each female character, it’s completely insulting to deal with such a horrendously repetitive and unoriginal game. To say this game was probably the biggest waste of my time would be an understatement, even when it took me less than a day to finish it.

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The Amazing Objectification

For all the recent strides in the representation of females in video games, Amazing Princess Sarah takes everything a few steps back. It doesn’t take much time to figure out just what demographic this game is appealing to with achievements titled ‘Slap that Fatty’ and ‘Let’s have a Quickie.’ Even an end-game mode features a nude, albeit censored, version of Sarah that leaves enemies ‘stunned.’ All of this reeks of pure desperation on the developers end to cover up a rather archaic and flawed game.

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The Only Really Amazing Mechanic

The only redeeming quality Amazing Princess Sarah has is in its unique take on the familiar combat style of Kirby games. Sarah has two major attacks: her sword and her immense strength, which allows her to throw every object in-game, including the corpses of her enemies. These enemies will have a special effect unique to them when thrown such as archers combusting into arrows on contact and the walking bombs will just simply explode. It is a complete shame such an interesting mechanic was downplayed in favor of pandering to adolescent teens who have never seen breasts before.

Tl;DR

Amazing Princess Sarah is about as click-bait as a game can get, appealing to the sudden resurgence in retro-looking titles like Shovel Knight and Undertale, yet having almost no substance from a game that advertises itself as a throwback to classic Metroid-vania styled adventures. Those hoping for anything more than a repetitive non-inspired game that loves to flaunt boobs around will be disappointed they wasted even just $6 on this poor excuse of an indie game.

+ Interesting combat mechanics reminiscent of Kirby games
-Once you’ve played one level, you’ve played them all
-6 terribly put-together endgame modes
-Boob jiggling emphasize too much
-Horrible level design to make platforming segments infuriating

 

Originally posted on February 2, 2016

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